Do You Undershare? You know, the opposite of oversharing (which we are all well acquainted with). You’ll see why I ask this question if you read a little further. How and what you share can be a form of boundary setting. People complaining may be a sign you’re doing it right!

Burnout Prevention=Healthy Boundaries

We hear about burnout constantly. Everything is too much. We’re on all the time. We’re collectively exhausted and overwhelmed. It’s different for each of us, but no one is immune. Even Jacinda, what a loss.

One way to combat burnout is to set healthy energetic boundaries. Learn how here. When we do, there are many positive results. However, one common side effect can be challenging: other people often get upset.

Why People Complaining May Be a Good Sign

In fairness, any time we change our way of relating to someone it can be anxiety-producing. Changing the rules of a relationship, especially without notice, can cause even reasonable people to react. However, it’s often boundary violators who criticize in twisty ways.

Here are a few examples of what people who set healthy boundaries are called (and what’s often really happening):

• Selfish — (when you stop giving yourself up to people who don’t appreciate you)
• Inflexible —(when you stop accommodating others’ every wish)
• Withholding— (when you don’t tell people whatever they want to know)
• Unforgiving— (when you stop taking abuse from people you’ve forgiven repeatedly)
• Uncaring —(when you stop tending people until you’re completely drained)

To illustrate (in a benign and meta kind of way :), I stumbled across an interview I did a while back for my course Shining Bright Without Burning Out I read some comments. Many were positive, but one complained that I was difficult because I “struggled with being open.” Of course, if you publish something and agree to an interviewed, people get to comment, so there is no problem there. But a few things struck me about this:

First, I wasn’t struggling with being open; I was setting a boundary around how I wanted to answer the questions honestly while honoring my work and privacy. The interviewer was excellent; she just pushed some. Had I not been through much more challenging situations I wouldn’t have been able to hold my ground when I wanted.

Sharing as a Boundary

Whether others feel we overshare, undershare, or get it just right, it is our choice. Whether you agree to answer questions or not, to have a date or not, to spend time with family or not, to accommodate others preferences or not, you are allowed to decide how you want to share yourself. Not everyone will be happy about your choices (see the above list). Hopefully, we will all be decent, compassionate people, but being decent and compassionate does not mean being wide open or doing whatever other people want and expect.

Second, this negative comment stuck with me more than the predominantly positive ones. I still have to work to keep criticism (my own and others’) from taking up more headspace than it should. I know I am not alone in that! By working so hard on the awareness around energetic boundaries and how to adapt them to different situations and people, I am much better able than earlier in my life to sort out what is mine and what isn’t.

I generally don’t focus on the downside of setting boundaries because the upside is SO WORTH IT. Don’t be discouraged. Let me know if you need any help.

Photo by Gary Bendig on Unsplash